


things that ache

by dov



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Gen, Natasha Romanov-centric, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 13:34:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18639130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dov/pseuds/dov
Summary: Natasha has always known it would come to this.





	things that ache

Natasha Romanova has always known she was going to die.

It’s a fact of life, after all, especially for someone like her. She’s walked hand in hand with death since she was a child, seen soldiers give their lives on the battlefield, killed too many men to count. 

There used to be a time when she thought she’d die alone. A sniper’s bullet to the head on a mission, a knife to the gut in a back alley somewhere, a dangerous combination of pills, whiskey and self-loathing. Then, she joined the Avengers. She saved the world a couple of times. She bantered with Tony and made fun of Steve and trained with Thor. She sat up to watch the sunrise with Bucky because she knew from experience that lonely nights were the worst. She let herself take comfort in Sam’s bright wick of a smile. She found herself mirrored in Clint, their shared understanding running deeper than anything else she had ever experienced with another person. She read bedtime stories to a little girl that looked at her like she was the whole world and called her  _Auntie Nat_. She carved out a place for herself, a home.

And then Thanos snaps his fingers and destroys half the world. Five years pass and she never gives up fighting and she’s alone and hurting and miserable but then they get the team back together and they figure out a way to bring everyone back and then they’re on Vormir and Clint is running and she is running but he looses an arrow and it tears into her flesh and the pain is white-hot and burning and she stumbles, giving him the fraction of a second he needs to launch himself into the air and she reaches out desperately but she is too late.

She jolts awake in a pool of water, sees the sickening glow of the Soul Stone in her left hand and thinks that this is the price of family: the pain that comes when it splinters.

Then they lose Tony in the final battle and Natasha thinks that this is the price of a home: the pain that comes when it falls apart.

She stands beside the lake at Tony and Clint’s joint funeral, watching as the sunlight spills through the grey clouds. She thinks of both of them. She does not think  _I owe him a debt_ , because by now she has learned that life is more than a game of balancing the scales. She does not think  _it should have been me_ , because Tony had said 'I am Ironman' and however much she wishes they could use the stones to go back and stop him from making such a stupid, reckless - _Goddammit, Stark_ \- decision, his death was his own, and she won't deny him that.

Wanda comes up beside her, her dark curls floating softly in the wind. She is warm as she puts an arm around Natasha’s shoulder, and Natasha leans into the touch. 

Natasha does not ask  _do you think they know we won?_  because there is no way of knowing and she will spend the rest of her life finding a way to live with that. She meets Wanda’s gaze and sees her own bone-deep sadness reflected in sharp brown eyes, but she notices the quiet hum of Wanda’s powers in the air around them, something she had keenly felt the absence of many times over the past five years, and she can feel something slotting into place within her soul.

She looks back at the house, sees Nate and Morgan standing side by side with Pepper and Laura, sees Steve press crumbled vibranium into Sam’s steady hands, sees Bucky and Rhodey and Thor and Bruce and Okoye and Maria and Fury and Carol, and thinks that this is a family. This is her family. And it’s worth every wound. 

Steve comes up to her after the service. Every edge of him screams exhaustion. He does not ask  _what do we do now?_  because there is only one thing to do: Move on. Rebuild together, all of them.  

She says, “You know, over the last five years I’ve come to realise that much of my strength lies in enduring without becoming. In finding a place to hold my pain without letting it define me.”

There is a pause. Her words hover in the air. Steve does not agree verbally because he doesn’t have to; she knows that he understands what she means. _Acknowledge this grief, give this suffering its place, but don't cling to it too tightly_. He just closes his eyes, and when he opens them again she can see that they’re filled with tears. Her own eyes feel wet; a mirrored image. Two heroes with their hearts in their throats. Polar sames.

"Enduring, huh?" Steve’s voice cracks. “Maybe... maybe it’s time to try out that life thing that Tony was on about.” 

She cracks the smallest of smiles, and it aches. “Clint had a good go at it, too.”

Later, they all eat cheeseburgers. Or rather, Happy orders cheeseburgers at Morgan's demand. Wanda politely declines, so Morgan fetches her a juice pop instead. They watch Tony's video. Natasha sits squeezed between Cooper and Lila, recounting the Budapest story for the thirteenth time that evening, and thinks of everything she has lost balanced against everything she has gained. It hurts. She misses Clint and her heart breaks for the hole that Tony's absence leaves, but she knows that the hurt is what means you're alive.

Natasha Romanova has always known she was going to die. But now she knows that when the time comes, she won’t be alone. 

**Author's Note:**

> nat i miss you baby <3
> 
> yes i did use quotes from her comics don’t sue me


End file.
